These are purported to be the original 112 canonic Lear nonsense verses before they were censored by his publisher.
1
There was an Old Derry down Derry,
Who loved to see little folks merry;
So he gave them a look,
And with laughter they shook
When he showed them his thing, big and hairy.
2
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared! —
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Are having an orgy; that’s weird!”
3
There was a Young Lady whose thighs
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
4
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose Aunt was a former street walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
And did tricks with two dogs and a porker.
5
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red ochre.
When they said, “You’re a Gay!”
He replied, “I’m that way.
You see I’m the Queen, not the Joker.”
6
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme, —
No one heard such a scream.
She’d been goosed by the Archduke of Prussia.
7
There was an Old Person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
While fondling a tender young boy.
8
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was madly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired.
But that horny old bear didn’t care.
9
There was an old man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was covered with glue;
When he tore off a piece
With his nubile young niece,
He found he’d been nailed in the screw.
10
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But while fondling his daughter,
He fell in the water.
Which probably saved him from Hades.
11
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake
His Peruvian “El Cockatoo.”
12
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
With some very strong glue
They fixed him except for one ball.
13
There was an Old Man of Marsailles,
Whose daughters did it for pay.
They caught several fish —
The Nouveau Riche —
The kind who will pay for a lay.
14
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And ran around bare,
In the hope he would find a loose screw.
15
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest.
So they set him to spin
On his nose and his chin,
And his balls got caught up in his vest.
16
There was an old man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
They brought him a flagon,
’Cause his ass was draggin.
You’ll know why when you see his wife come here.
17
There was an Old Man in a tree, 
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, “Does it screw?”
He replied, “Yes, it do!
For honey, not money, you see.”
18
There was an Old Man with a dong,
Who bumped at it all the day long;
But they called out, “Oh law!
You’re a horrid old bore!”
But they secretly admired his prong.
19
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin,
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking;
But they said, “Tell us whether
You are into black leather,
Or are you the kind who likes streaking?”
20
There was an Old Lady of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while she was able,
She slept on a table,
Saving herself for her Saviour.
21
There was an old person of Chile,
Whose conduct was painful and silly;
He sat on the stairs,
Eating apples and pears,
And Alice and Shirley and Millie.
22
A Crusader’s Wife of Chertsey,
Made a really remarkable curtsey;
She twirled round and round,
Till she sank to the ground,
For the locks on her box really hurt, see.
23
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He danced hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
Making passing gas riskier and riskier.
24
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
And ogling Marcus and Fluvius.
25
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia;
But one day to his grief,
She was raped by a thief —
A side to his life quite seamier.
26
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed around town,
Till the damned thing went down
By itself, without any to-do.
27
There was an Old Lady whose folly
Induced her to sit on a collie.
Whereupon, by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became rather jolly.
28
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose swain was exceedingly cool;
She brought him to a boil
By the aid of some oil
And a skillful massage of his tool.
29
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair
Till he died of dispair.
If that damned thing just hadn’t been torn . . .
30
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
They kept him awake
With Spanish Fly in his cake,
And the poor bastard burst at the seams.
31
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose buns were infested with weeds;
A strong herbicide
Enigmatically applied
Is a bane in the ass, he agrees.
32
There was a Young Person of Smyrna,
Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her;
But she siezed on the Cat,
And said, “Granny, burn that!”
(Warm pussy is always a winner.)
33
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immoderate mouth;
He could swallow a dish
Or a very large fish —
The most popular man in the South! (South San Francisco, that is.)
34
There was an Old Man with a flute, —
A serpent ran into his boot!
But he played day and night,
Till the serpent took flight,
When it noticed the “flute” didn’t toot.
35
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
And a fly front for acts indiscrete.
36
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat in a doorway;
When the door squeezed her tit,
She exclaimed, “What of it?
Although I’ll admit it’s a poor way.”
37
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
So greatly obsessed with young toads,
He paid several cousins
To catch them by dozens
For unspeakable acts in commodes!
38
There was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs
To her Uncle’s white pigs
And stunts that were ever so cute.
39
There was an Old Man in a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, “Sir, you’ll fall!”
He replied, “Not at all!
I’ve pole vaulted up from the basement!”
40
There was a Young Lady of Dorking, 
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size
So bedazzled her eyes,
She forgot what it was she was hawking.
41
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the plague;
But they gave him a shot
Which caused him to squat,
(This last line had better be vague . . .)
42
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical;
She climbed up a tree
To examine the sea,
And was goosed by a branch horticultural.
43
A Bostonian Person had habits,
Which induced him to fondle young rabbits;
When he’d diddled eighteen,
He turned perfectly green —
In full sight of the Lodges and Cabots.
44
There was an Old Man of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till once by mistake,
Was baked up in a cake.
“Tit for Tat!” said the rabbi (with grin).
45
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, “Are you dumb?”
She merely said, “Ho hum!
I’m a £ 500 a night charmer.”
46
There was an Old Person of Philly,
Whose conduct was scroobious and silly;
He used his right palm
When the weather was calm,
And his left when the weather was chilly.
47
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair
With his feet in the air,
And begged her to do it again.
48
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue clover;
But some very large Bees
Stung his elbows and knees —
His missionary days are all over.
49
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose dong was as small as a button;
So to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
(We call it a merkin) to put on.
50
There was an Old Man who supposed
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large Rats
Ate his coats and his hats,
While the new upstairs maid, she got hosed.
51
There was a Young Lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin;
As sharp as a knife
And threatened your life
Whenever you tried to get in.
52
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet
Came untied when the birds sat upon it;
But she said, “I don’t care
If the birds are all there.
What I don’t like is what they do on it!”
53
There was a Young Lady of Ryde,
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied;
She purchased some clogs,
And some peek-a-boo togs,
And performed in skin flicks on the side.
54
There was an old Person of Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
He said, “It’s uncanny!
It’s like my wife’s cranny,
An image that’s burned on my retina.”
55
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, “You’ll grow fatter!”
He answered, “What matter?
We can swap head for tail at the worst.”
56
There was an Old Man on a hill,
Who seldom if ever stood still;
He ran up and down
In his Grandmother’s gown,
And gave all the Pansies a thrill.
57
There was a Young Girl of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, “Does it fit?”
She replied, “Not a bit!
But it shows off the best of my chest.”
58
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder.
Till at last with a hammer
They silenced his clamour,
And converted him into a neuter.
59
There was an Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sang while he diddled,
And otherwise fiddled
With the virgins he always defiles.
60
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all his money
On furs for his Honey —
But the truth is he never got any.
61
There was a Young Lady whose nose
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
But a wiley old surgeon
Without any urgin’
Transplanted that nose to his hose.
62
There was an Old Man with a nose,
Who said, “If you choose to suppose
That my nose is too long,
You should see my dong,
And how over the shoulder it goes.”
63
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon
But focused on a shapely young leg.
64
There was an Old Man who said, “Hush!
I preceive I’ve got bugs in the bush!”
When they said, “Are they small?”
He replied, “Not at all!
They’re almost as big as my tush.”
65
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file;
Till he cut off his glans,
And said calmly, “A man’s
On life’s short end once in a while.”
66
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, 
Who danced a quadrille with a Raven;
But they said, “It’s absurd
To encourage this bird!”
“But,” he sobbed, “It’s this raven I’m cravin.”
67
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose thing was immense;
It went off with one jerk
From Calais to Dunkirk.
A regular Maginot Fence.
68
There was an old man on some rocks,
Who shut up his wife in a box:
When she said, “Let me out,”
He exclaimed, “without doubt
I’ll get off my rocks in your box.”
69
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a she:
When she said, “May I love it?”
He replied, “You can shove it,
If only you’ll sit on my knee.”
70
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter;
Till one day he tried Moppet,
And declared, “You can’t top it!”
His conversion was total and utter.
71
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found it grew stiff,
He said, “Oh, what if
I could balance myself on my boner!”
72
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent Bull;
But she slipped on a stone,
And found herself prone.
Not to argue, but something more fanciful.
73
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who loved a large Cow, but he lost her;
When they said, “Can’t you see,
She was not meant for thee?”
He selected another from his roster.
74
There was a Young Lady from Sweden,
Who went by slow train to Weedon;
When they cried, “Weedon Station!”
She was filled with elation —
So excited that Weedon got peed on.
75
There was a young Nympho from Troy,
Whom several large guys did annoy;
One died in a hump,
One wore down to a stump,
The last she took home as a toy.
76
There was an Old Man who said, “How
Shall I flee from this horrible Cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile.”
’Twas a bull — and it’s all over now.
77
There was an Old Man on whose nose 
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
He could pick any time that he chose.
78
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-five sons and one “darter;”
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them on scales,
They got horny but not any smarter.
79
There was an Old Man with an Owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail,
And imbibed bitter ale,
And when drunk became birder most foul.
80
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found,
They thought he was drowned —
Done in by some hot mermaid femmes.
81
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the Crows,
He abruptly arose.
“Now where can that darling ape be?”
82
There was an Old Man who said, “Well!
When I do this I really feel swell;
I have pulled day and night,
But now pushing seems right.
Tonight I am going to raise Hell!”
83
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice,
He inserted some rice,
And thus put some starch in his tool.
84
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on the organ
Of J. Pierpont Morgan.
Small wonder her belly is swelling.
85
There was an Old Person of Cheadle
Who was put in the stocks by the Beadle
For consorting with Pigs
Wearing makeup and wigs,
In positions both astride and foetal.
86
There was an old man of Madras,
Who sat on a cream-coloured ass;
But it wouldn’t have been
If he only had seen
That the lady was prone on the grass.
87
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, “I’m afloat! I’m afloat!”
When they said, “No you ain’t!”
He was ready to faint,
In chignon and red petticoat.
88
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable Cook
Fished him out with a hook,
But he ruined the soup with his froth.
89
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar;
He fed twenty sons
Upon nothing but buns.
They were too weak for sex the whole school year.
90
There was a Young Lady of Turkey, 
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She spread out supine —
A good lay, though a little bit quirky.
91
There was an Old Man of Quebec, —
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, “With a needle
I’ll slay you, Oh beetle!”
And gave himself Herpes Simplex.
92
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold;
So he crawled in the muff
Of a furry young fluff,
And wrapped himself well from the cold.
93
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
And his voice changed from basso to tenna.
94
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
While ten irate husbands were chasing.
95
There was an Old Man of th’ Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn’t his foot see;
When they said, “That’s your toe,”
He replied, “Is it so?
I thought I was jerking my putzi.”
96
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all drank so much,
And their conduct was such —
Twelve counts of incest at least.
97
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, “It ain’t pleasant
To see you at present,
With forefinger stuck up your nose.”
98
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers all wanted to fucca;
But she ran up a tree,
And said, “Fiddle-de-dee!
There’s one born every minute, you succa!”
99
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large Fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook,
She exclaimed, “Only look!
It’s just like those things on the males!”
100 There
was a Star Gazer of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, “How is Venus?”
He thought they said, “Penis”
And answered, “The darn thing’s been hurtin!”
101 There
was an Old Man of the Coast,
Who placidly played with his post;
But when it got cold
He relinquished his hold,
From the task in which he’d been engrossed.
102 There
was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, “Are you chaste?”
She replied, “What a waste!”
She meant “chased” but her brain hit a snag.
103 There
was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a Horse when he reared;
But they said, “Never mind!
You will fall off behind.”
He did and his privates got sheared.
104 There
was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his thing with a ring;
He howled at the moon
Every evening in June —
The result of new growth in the spring.
105 There
was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkably fast car;
With VISA and wallet,
How he loves to ball it.
He picked up a sure thing in the last bar.
106 There
was an Old Man of Leghorn,
With the smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapt up he
Was once by a Puppy.
Out of hunger and not out of scorn.
107 There
was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his spouse,
And she said, “Oh you louse!
Rather than screw, you chose martyry.”
108 There
was an Old Person of Chester,
Who several small children did pester;
They threw a large stone
Which broke off his bone,
And caused his molester to fester.
109 There
was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a Pig in each hand,
With intent quite disgusting, generally.
110 There
was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep
With waves of libidinous desire.
111 There
was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who knew a large Barbary Ape;
In the bibical sense,
Dear Ladies and Gents —
A seduction which bordered on rape.
112 There
was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger;
He tore off his shoes
And reverted to booze,
Whenever he saw Margaret Sanger!
